(Questions by Abigail Welhouse; Answers by Gregory Crosby)

What do you think Tilda Swinton is doing right now?

Sleeping, or thinking about sleeping, or trying not to think about sleeping, in other words wakeful, unless asleep.

What would the lovechild of Tilda Swinton and Taylor Swift look like?

Translucent yet blinding.

Would he be named Tyler Swifton?

Thomas Stearns, & doomed to be a poet.

Would he make funny faces after winning awards?

Only a sad smile, as if to say Of course.

What kind of ice cream do you think Tilda Swinton likes best?

Would she prefer it in a cone or in a dish?

Pistachio, in a cup, with a little wooden spoon like a lost toy boat.

Does she ever drip ice cream all over herself?

Only if the character demands it.

Would butterflies land on her to lick it off?

Only if the butterflies demand it.

What does Tilda Swinton look like first thing in the morning?

A crisp white sheet.

Does she ever oversleep?

Only if the character demands it.

What does Tilda Swinton’s alarm clock sound like it?

One hand clapping.

Is she woken by imps holding bells?

Yes, but only by Imps of the Perverse.