from to break the hearts of mothers
to break the hearts of mothers
mom offers forgiveness
every time i ask for an apology
like she doesn’t understand that i can break,
still carry every hairbrush collision
to the back of my ceramic skull,
every godawful
she has called me, every foaming
rage, every i want nothing to do with you,
every time i wanted her, pride
parades and i’ll never talk to you
again thrown together like misremembered history,
three maternal great-grandmothers,
trauma told as anecdotes, i am cracking
under the weight
of my misshapen legacy
i am not strong
enough for mom who says,
when i kill myself, it’ll all be your fault,
so i learn harm reduction,
write in the dark,
carve memories into skin
so i’ll know it’s all real.
i have to believe
there’s a chance for her to see me gently,
a future
where i am not suffocating
in the heat of her gaze,
where i am solid as i want to be,
fired and admirable,
found in the wreckage, still a
marvel, there is still some good here.
i have to believe there is good
here, in my words. after all,
when the sun hits us just right,
my mothers are beautiful.
