Caitlyn Davis

just because I won’t move doesn’t mean I won’t cry about it

Today in group we talked about having one foot in and one foot out. This
woman was faced (after a year of in-between) with either being completely
in or leaving. She chose to stay.

It dawned on me in that moment that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to
make the choice one way or another.

Right now I have a foot in and I’m trying my hardest to get out. To be
surrounded by friends, on my own, no longer needing support from anyone
but myself. A self sufficient, healthy, independent life.

My foot that stays in is wounded, broken, and tired but yet, I can’t help but
to keep it firmly planted. As much as it hurts and as uncomfortable as it is, I
have convinced myself that this wound will heal with time. (Maybe.) But
then part of me wonders if this is going to cause me more distress than it's
worth. I could get an infection. If I let it sit and fester maybe the only way
out will be amputation. Then I won’t have it at all.

So maybe, just maybe, I will live an entire life straddled between two
options and hope that life will make that choice for me.

Or maybe I will slowly become a ghost! Never really fully in anything and
slowly, bit by bit, I will vanish until I have zero claim anywhere.

And then I’ll finally be free.